In Which I Bitch

March 22, 2007

Hey, that rhymes.

In other news, I’m happy. I’m also in a good relationship, and more or less doing well in my classes.

So why, dear reader, have I been having stress issues lately?

Nothing major, don’t get all worried-like…just trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, as well as clenching my jaw.

It’s bizarre.

Potential sources: school, lack of focus, lack of sleep. Changing seasons/weather.

I haven’t really been having PROBLEMS with school per se, but it is stressful — there is always something I should be doing or learning, especially with at least 1.5 tests/quizzes per week.

Lack of Focus
Closely related to the above. I don’t actually have a ton of work, but my attention has been even more divided than usual lately. In the middle of my biology test, I continually spaced out into the design on the floor and almost freaked myself into a panic attack or something like it (i’m not entirely sure why…). I can’t concentrate. It’s just kind of a reality i’ve been putting up with for a while.

Lack of Sleep
Positive feedback loops annoy the shit out of me sometimes, especially when they involve my own well-being. I slept badly the night before I got here, as I had to get up way early for my flight, and this could all be a result of that one night.

Changing Weather
It’s always kinda fucked with my body. Nuff said.

Reasons to be slightly perplexed (paraphrased from an IM convo):
1. It usually EITHER takes me a little while to get to sleep every night, OR one night every so often when i’m up till the wee hours, not both.
2. It’s pretty damn rare that i wake up in the middle of the night, or before i’ve had enough sleep, for a reason other than  an alarm or having to pee.
3. It’s probably nothing to worry about healthwise, as i’ve always had kinda low blood pressure, but dammit i don’t LIKE getting a bit woozy and disoriented nearly every time when i stand up.

In conclusion, if this keeps going, i’m going to really start on a quest to get to the bottom of my random symptoms. All of them. I mean it.




January 9, 2007


This macworld review is currently leading to worldwide geekgasms. Anyway.

The way I see it, Apple has always been good at innovation. They look at what the public needs and produce a sleek and shiny version that is easy
to use.   As a company, they have a large and extremely loyal fanbase. They are successful.

Not all visionaries are.

My father, for example, has been struggling to get a company of his off the
ground for years. I’ve sat through this company’s inception — from idea development during dinnertable conversation to bug-fixing with the web development team spread across the middle east. His idea is a good one. To the
best of my knowledge, he has done everything right so far. So why is business not

He claims that the industry is not ready. Doctors don’t want to use computers. Hospitals don’t like change. The idea is easy to steal.

These are most definitely all excuses. Possibly valid ones, but still.

The problem of being ahead of one’s time is a strange one, but common. It comes with a conundrum, though: once it is time for a product like yours, once there’s truly a niche… wouldn’t it be already filled?

Being at the right place at the right time isn’t only a good idea on the physical level, it’s also a crucial idea on the idea level.

There’s an often-used quote cited in the engadget review posted above, roughly that “You have
to be where the [hockey] puck is going to be, not where it is.” To be successful at innovation, you have to be where the puck will be at the time you get there, not where it will be in half an hour, regardless of whether you have the necessary resources and technology already.


Over the last ten hours, I have been extremely zen.

November 15, 2006

I’m doing my chemistry homework, and we’re going over basic organic compounds. While working, I realize I’ve seen the structure of isopropyl cyclohexane before in a social diagram, demonstrating the friendships in a
group. Turn the people to carbons, and it is exactly the same. Though the middle carbon in the propyl chain seems like it’d be the worst to get rid of, removing the unit connecting the ring to the branched chain  would actually be the most disastrous.

Everything is interconnected.

Means of understanding and learning, most of all.


I Can’t.

November 15, 2006

My knees creak, my wrists grind, small bolts of pain appear and vanish in my knuckles.

I lay on my bed, attempting eloquence, ending sentence after sentence with disappointed punctuation and unpunctual finishes.

The assignment with its details calls to me, poking and prodding with its details: 12pointTimesNewRoman1inchmarginsMLAworkscited4-6pagesdoublespaced.

Change of scene

attempt at functionality

potential distractions abound.


Poetry. Again.

October 21, 2006

Today I tried to molt
split my skin
to let my body emerge
through the back
My hands dug lightly next to my spine
interlocking fingers forming an edge
creating small red inflamed lines
arranged in sequence

I have slipped back into feeling that it is time for a change
time to begin again, to create, to find some form of expression

The itch to move, to wriggle through and break out
is taking over

But I am afraid of what this metamorphosis will lead to
and I am nearing the point
where there is no turning back

Yet still, I reach behind myself
and lightly scratch out perforation lines
in preparation for the split.


I I I’m I I I’ve I I I’m I’m I’m me me me.

October 8, 2006

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships here, and next year and beyond, and I’ve decided that really, i’m not quite sure about anything.

I’ve been making connections here, but they’ve been fairly scattered all over the place. I certainly have friends, and certainly have enough of them, but I’m going through a social awkwardness miniphase where I can’t quite figure out what the hell I need, and, more importantly, where the hell I need to be.

I’m second-guessing everything because it’s 4 in the morning, but I need to get this out. My ADHD (let’s go ahead and assume i have that one, o nonexistent readers) has gotten crazy worse since I got here, but I still don’t think it’s quite enough to really interfere with my schooling.

But maybe I’m just making excuses again.

My vague unease and uncertainty with everything is creeping back, and I’m slipping back into i-should-be-happy-land. I hope that my mind won’t twist things again and force things with jeff to go the way of things with roman. I really need to not connect bad feelings with people that they have very little to do with. In short, I need to be honest from the beginning.

That being said, though, I’m not sure if I’m more honest with myself when I’m exhausted, or my perceptions get warped. I know one of those options is true, but I can’t tell which. Ever. Makes for an interesting life.


Poetry. You can’t see it. It’s mine.

August 5, 2006

Our bodies fit together well
really, that’s all it is
a push and a pull
a set of interlocking pieces
I don’t have anything to say
but i dearly
desperately want to

and i wonder,
am i imagining this puzzle
this fit and flow
like nesting russian dolls
or do you understand?